Then there were 3, well...4, technically.

Ok, just a quick update. Had My scan this morning which shows that everything is happy and normal and that I am 12 weeks along :) Which means that 'M' is responsible for all this :) He does keep apologising everytime I feel sick or unhappy about it all. He has pratically moved in, in respect that the X-box has arrived and I am now doing His washing. Looks like a happy family?? Well it kinda is. I guess I still think that it's all gonna come crashing down and I'll be left on My own to cope. I get depressed and can't see how it's going to work out, but I don't seem to have the courage to tell 'M' that. We shall see. So it's just one baby. One happy family of four when our new addition arrives in early may :)

Oh fuck...

Beware, this post may suffer from 'to much information' syndrome, and for that I apologise in advance.
The last time I slept with Minty was towards the end of july, and I'm pretty sure we were carefull. I then had my period at the start of august, between the first and 7th of the month at a rough guess. I remember being snappy when Minty was down and that's a sure sign that certain things are iminent. I then slept with 'M' after my period, somepoint in the early part of august. Yes I know, what a whore, please bear with me. By my calculations I should have had my next period at the start of september somewhere. But I did'nt. I remember feeling extremley tired even though I was sleeping well, My breasts hurt like they do before that time of the month and I even had some tummy pain which to me is an indication that it's on it's way. But nothing. I confided in a female colleague and she got excited and joked that I might be pregnant. Oh fuck. So I waited a bit longer. I'm not one for checking dates and marking my periods on a calendar. Hindsight is a glorious thing because I wish I had now. I fail at womanhood.
So this evening I took a test. And it came up as positive. I did some date checking and it is possible that I could be up to 2 weeks late for my period. There is also a niggling feeling at the back of my mind that if I am pregnant, it could be Minty's. I don't know why I'm thinking like that but it is a slim possibility and whilst I'm worrying I may aswell just add to the heap of things to worry about :S
I phoned 'M' and told him everything. He was shocked. I said I would get a Dr's appointment tomorrow and we'll see from there. He phoned me back about an hour later and asked if I was winding him up. He then phoned me back again and asked to come with me to the Dr's. Bless him. I don't know what his opinion on children is. He gets on really well with my son but he said that he'd like children at somepoint in the future. I'm guessing he meant further than 9 months in the future though.
I guess I'll have to wait and see what the Doc tells me tomorrow. Because I know that the home pregnancy tests are'nt 100% reliable. But everything else points to me being in the club so to speak. I will keep you posted :)

Are we a couple yet??

The last few months have been a bit of emotional rollercoaster for Me to say the least. I have felt like I have fallen in and out of love and heartache like a yoyo and all the while I have had a friend in 'M' with Me. He's the one who promised Me a smile and sent Me a huge bunch of flowers. He was scared to tell Me that he really likes Me in case I never spoke to him again. When we were watching a film on My sofa he said that all he wanted to do was lean across and kiss Me. I managed to add to the romance of the evening by yawning all night and nearly falling asleep on his shoulder :S What can I say? I was'nt impressed by Avatar :P
'M' is produce supervisor at My store. He did apply for supervisor on chuckouts which would have meant working alongside Me. Probably a good job now that he's on a different department. My chuckouts manager fancies the pants off him and scowls at Me when I mention that we went out to the pub/cinema/meal/mini-golf/romantic moonlit walk along the beach lalalalaaa... you get the picture. Most of the girls at work say I should just go for it, jump straight in, scream 'yes, I'm yours!' But I'm somewhat emotionally retarded. Once bitten, twice shy perhaps?
We have spent several friday nights in My favourite bar after doing late shift together. 'M' lives out of town so would kip at Mine if he wanted to drink. To start with he crashed on the sofa. One night he asked to sleep in My bed, he warned Me that he might cuddle Me in the night but nothing else. I had no problem with this. I don't mind sharing My bed with a friend providing that they don't snore or steal the duvet. So after that, when he would stay, he always slept in My bed. Sometimes 'accidently' cuddling Me in the night. He would always apologise in the morning. One night we tucked ourselves into My bed, in our pj's and turned the light out. He said 'where are you? I want a cuddle' we snuggled up together and then he kissed Me. My heart did that crazy little fluttery thing and I knew that I was gonna have feelings for this guy. When he stopped kissing Me he said 'you've no idea how long I've wanted to do that'. I smiled. I felt elated. He adores Me. He's made Me feel like a 16 year old again, everything seems new and a little unfamiliar. Last week he stayed in My bed again and we actually slept together for the first time. He was kissing Me and running his hand along the side of My body. I felt so comfortable in his company and it kinda went from there. Although it was the kind of nervous, first time sex that I have'nt had since I was a teenager. I don't know how many sexual partners he has had, and it does'nt really matter to Me. Although I suspect it is less than My grand total. He seems to be the kind of guy who finds a girl and then falls in love with her. I can see a nice home, a few well behaved beautiful children and 'M' as doting husband.
Last night as we lay in bed post coital, he asked Me a question... 'Are we a couple yet? Or is it still a bit confusing?' Errrrrmmmm :S :S :S I was'nt too sure how to answer it, He then asked Me what I wanted. I told him that I did'nt want to be hurt again. Because things are great when they're going good, but the heartache and pain when it all goes wrong is unbearable. He told Me that he would'nt ever hurt Me. I smiled. We left it as that. A sort-of, nearly, almost relationship. I think I will take the advice of My girlfriends at work. I will jump straight in. Eyes closed, feet first, ready to fall. I just need a little push.

Amicitiae nostrae memoriam spero sempiternam fore.

I have'nt shed a tear. I don't think I will this time. I have learnt that time is too precious for arguements and hurt. Hurt is too painfull and such a waste of My time. I don't want to be hurt again.

So this chapter of Me and Minty has ended. In fact the entire book has ended. I still want to be friends but I don't think we'll meet again. I don't think it would be wise. I'll miss him. I'll miss his hugs and kisses, the times we slept together, the times we just hugged in bed and the excitement I felt when I knew he was about to arrive on My doorstep. I'll even miss the sadness after he had gone, when I'd be wanting him to come back to Me.

But I'm not going to cast him out of My life. If he wants to talk to Me then he can. He knows where I am online or by text. I can't spend moments like that with someone that I cared for so much and then just abandon them without looking back. But I will keep him at an arms length, just to spare My heart from any more damage. I can only be happy for the time we spent together and how happy he made Me when he was with Me. Many people would'nt have experienced that in a lifetime, at least I had it for a few months.

What Katie did.

Or rather, what she said... ''He does'nt even like Sam, He's just desperate''.
Nice.
So you're allowed to talk about me behind My back, bitch about Me and slag Me off?? I guess it's ok if you don't like someone. I think we've found the traitor in your little group of 'friends', but you don't trust anyone anymore anyway so I guess it does'nt matter. Thanks for using Me and leading Me on. Thanks for causing Me unnecessary heartache. I've learnt My lesson now.

Sometimes Facebook makes Me want to rip My eyes out....

Don't get Me wrong, I like social networking sites. If they are used to keep in touch with friends or family. If they are used to group people together like workmates or social groups. But recently I have found them to be irritating. I abandoned Myspace because of random friend requests and spam and such. Too many immature teenagers saying nothing but crap. Facebook is unfortunatly the same. It makes Me want to rip My eyes out when I see some of the crap that gets posted on My friends walls. I have blocked one friend for her almost obsessive game requests and the constant updates about the crap that her kids get up to. I'm not fussed if one of them has just fallen down the stairs, get away from the pc and look after your damn children!
Also Facebook has done nothing but fuel My hatred and intolerance towards most teenage girls. Usually in the 16 - 19 year old age range. They repetitivley spam other people's pages with intolerable crap that could quite easily be sent in one e-mail. They all type in fluent text-speak which is verging on the illiterate and is only readable by those who have a degree from the carphone whorehouse. Do boys find this cute or endearing? If anybody spoke to me like that or was quite so bubbly and chirpy whilst babbling on about total crap I would feel entitled to punch them. I have recently blocked another friend because of the amount of crap on their page posted by offenders in this age range. Hopefully in september, when the kids are back at school or college, Facebook will be relieved of this constant attack of innane waffle.

More confusion.

It was My birthday this tuesday past. Another small leap towards 30. Minty had discussed with Me about visiting for a few days, but after our shouty text arguements and accusations over various internet communication mediums, I felt that this was highly unlikely. I did'nt even expect a 'happy birthday' from him but hung around on msn all day just in case he decided to talk to Me. At 6pm he went from being 'away' to 'offline'. So I gave up on him and immersed myself in My mmo and conversed with My online friends. People had been knocking on My door with presents and birthday wishes all day. I had a quiet evening until around 10pm when there was a knock at My door. A quick calculation of distance vs time and I knew who it was. I was shaking as I opened the door. He was sat on the stairway like Carrie's stoop in SATC, but the much-less glamourous British version. He said 'I'm sorry' and hugged Me. I melted.
And so I had a house guest for a few days. Someone to share My bed with, to hug on the sofa, someone to nag and harrass like only a mother can. I don't know how My friends cope with Me if I'm like that all the time in other peoples' company. I spent most of My time with him feeling stressed and a little fraught. I don't know why. Maybe I'm too used to My own space and company now.
I was meant to meet up with 'M' on wednesday evening and had to explain to him why I could'nt. He told me that I meant the world to him and that he was sure that I'd end up with Minty and that he'd end up heartbroken. I felt so sorry for him but explained that nothing would ever happen between Myself and Minty. The distance is one thing, I would be to possesive and interfering. Also Minty does'nt see Me in that way. I doubt he'd want to be stuck with a near 30 year-old with a child and bills etc. I would nag him to death.
But I can't help making comparisons. Minty drinks oj straight from the carton. I nag him to get a glass. 'M' would never drink straight from the carton , he's too ocd neat and tidy for that. But 'M' would nag Me if he ever caught Me drinking milk from the carton. Which I do :)

Wrongfull accusations.

I have been accused of alot of things in My time but none hurts quite so much nor makes any less sense than this one. I was accused by the fuckbuddy of telling the girl He liked that I thought she was an idiot for turning Him down. Lets iron out a few points here...
*I don't know the girl, she does'nt even know I exist so why the fuck would I approach her at all.
*Yes, she probably is an idiot for turning him down. I thought he was a great guy, any girl would be happy to have him as a bf.
*Why the fuck would I tell her that?? She might change her mind and they'd live happily ever after together leaving me a bitter, twisted remnant in the past.
*He's obviously never gonna grow up and get over her so I don't know why I'm wasting my time.
So he's hurt me again. Which I kinda knew he would and over the same subject matter too. Grow up my dear. Stop chasing girls who are barely out of school. And never respond to a conversation-opener with 'I don't care'. At least try and find out the truth before you discard anyone who thought they were your friend. Obviously not if you think that little of me. But I always knew that did'nt I? I mean nothing to you. Absolutly nothing.

Opportunity

The guy that sent Me the huge bunch of flowers, He's called 'M'. And he likes me, alot. He was dumped by his Gf of 6 years around about the same time that I split from Bf, so my immediate thoughts are 'rebound'. And I can hear very distant alarm bells....very distant, almost inaudiable in fact.
He said He needed a friend who was going through a similar situation as Himself with the breakup so we got chatting and started to meet up for drinks/cinema/his sister's wedding etc. He's really nice, almost every girl at work would love to be held in His affections. He's funny and maybe a little shy, polite, kind and loves running. He's entered for the London marathon next year. He's only 5' 8'' tall and I tower over Him in heels :) He's neat and tidy, good at cooking and has a cute sense of humour. He likes My brutal honesty about the way I look, finds My hatred of prawns amusing, loves My lol-cat and can hold sensible conversations with My son. I think He's about 2 years older than Me, so mature but still with a desire to teach Me how to skateboard :S He wants to go everywhere and be busy most of the time, He does'nt like being sat around doing nothing. He seems the kind of guy that would want a steady Gf with possible marriage and kids in the future. And He is perfect husband material and would make a doting father. He said that I have become the closest thing He has to a best friend at the moment.
so why do I feel nothing for Him?? How many times in a girls' lifetime will a guy like this walk up to her and say 'I really like you' ?
My workmates think I'm retarded and that I should just jump into bed with Him, but I just don't feel that way about Him. He keeps saying that He really likes Me and I have said that I like Him as a friend and He said He's cool with that. So I'm not leading Him on, but I still feel guilty that I might end up hurting His feelings. I think to just keep being a supportive friend to Him is good for now, who knows what the future might hold?

Just when I could'nt be feeling any more worthless inside...

...I learn today that the ex-Bf has a new Gf. Joy of joys. I don't really know how I should be feeling. If it's the girl I think it is then she's one of those out-doorsey types who has photos of her horse on facebook. She has blonde hair and does'nt sunburn in 20 minutes. She probably does'nt suffer fromn hayfever for 10 months of the year, is'nt allergic to Christmas trees, is polite to His family, does'nt smoke, likes getting up early, is 5 minutes early for everything and is kind and charming to everyone.
Am I happy for Him?? I guess so, He deserves happiness after last year. Am I happy for her? Yes, I guess so too. She has got herself a wonderfull guy who will treat her right.
But if I find out in a few months that they are engaged with a baby on the way, I will key his beloved sports car so it resembles a Kandinsky and plant ragwort where she keeps her horse. Am I bitter and jealous?? Me? Maybe just a little bit.

The honest truth.

I really am ugly. I have just spent 10 minutes staring at myself in the bathroom mirror and I see nothing I like. I know, every girl can do this. But I really am plain-jane from head to toe. My hair is flat and I can't do anything about it to make it better. I lack the skill that other girls seem to have naturally. My face is boring, apart from my tempermental complexion, there is nothing pretty or beautiful about it. My body is too thin, you can count my ribs through a t-shirt and yet my tummy is fat. My hip bones protrude and I carry too much weight on my thighs. I am 5ft 6inches. Average height for a female, average weight, average shoe size. Plain and boring. I don't know why anyone would look twice at me if they passed me in the street.
Funny thing is I have surrounded myself with friends who also would'nt be looked twice at. My 'fat' friends who have beautiful eyes, or gorgeous natural red hair or a sparkling sense of humour. A lanky friend of 6ft 6inches who always has a kind word. An abrubt, rude friend who has a beautiful smile, even more special because you seldom get to see it. I can find beauty in these people, I can pinpoint something good in total strangers. And yet I can't see it within myself.
Except for my eyelashes. They are long like the fake ones used on models in mascara adverts. I never have to curl them with medievil torture devices and I rarely wear make-up on them. I have my Mother to thank for that genetic hand-me-down :)

Time to pick myself back up again.

So what started as a bit of fun has now ended in tears for Me. My stupid heart decided to develop feelings for a fuckbuddy. I should have known it would end like this. But I believe there are lessons to be learnt from every situation life throws at you. Here's what I have managed to salvage as a silver lining from this complete mess I've got myself into...
* If a guy does'nt even mention you to any of his friends then he obviously does'nt give a shit about you.
* Regardless of how bad a relationship may be, you should never dump the Bf for a mere fuckbuddy. The way you handled it will haunt you as a bad decision for the rest of your life.
* If he seems embarassed or ashamed when certain people do find out what's been going on then alarm bells should start ringing loud and clear. He obviously does'nt want to be associated with you.
* If he tells you he does'nt mind if you sleep with other people he clearly has no regard for you. Because nothing says I care about you like 'please sleep around'.
* If he's acting like a love sick puppy over some other girl then don't go near him. You'll end up agonising over a possible pregnancy whilst he's thinking of the best way to ask her out.
* Don't ever name your potential future children with him. Nothing like building a girls hopes up when all he wants to do is fuck you and then ditch you when something better comes along.
* When he says 'I wish we lived closer together, it would make this easier' what he means is if you were closer to him he could get his end away more often and with less hassle.
* If he shows more interest in sleeping with all of your 18 year old colleagues than you.
* If, even after pouring your heart out to him and saying how you feel about him, he still does'nt realise what he means to you. Move on. However much it hurts and however difficult it is to let someone new into your heart. There is happiness out there somewhere.
On the plus side of this torment I have discovered friends that I never knew I had. A young man at work who sent Me a bunch of flowers bigger than My own torso just to cheer Me up. A small, geeky social group who took Me under their wing whilst in the pub and made Me forget My troubles for an evening. Another small group who have invited Me out for a meal and pub crawl next week. And an angry young scot who seems much more than I first imagined. I think a true confidante and friend in the making.
I am angry, hurt and close to tears most days becasue of this. I should have known this would happen. I would end up heartbroken again because I was stupid enough to let someone in. I knew the last time he visited Me that it would probably be the last time I saw him. I fell to the floor and cried when he left. And yet if he turned up on My doorstep again I would still let him in. Girls are so stupid, no wonder men play them for fools.

Update :)

So it's evident that I fail at blogging :S So here's just a quick update.....
Bf moved back to His parents' house 4 days before Christmas. We were officially on a 'split' but still in that 'together' limbo where everyone is guessing what's happening but no-one's brave enough to ask for the truth.
I spent Christmas day at home with Sprog. I cooked and cried in the kitchen whilst Sprog played in the front room. My father visited and phoned Me twice that day, more parental concern for My mental wellbeing in one day than I have had all year.
New years eve was spent with colleagues, Ms. Mucky, Ginger pubes, Elmlea and Wea man were My drinking partners for the evening. I ended up back at My flat with Bf, so drunk that I could barely stand and fell straight asleep when I landed in bed. Bf left in the morning and a few hours later I was in My bed with Minty.

.............

Untie my hair and bury me at sea.
Let my locks flow around me as the waves drag me under.
Down past legends of mermaids and shipwrecks and creatures we are yet to name.
Let me be free, let me rest on the seabed.
Do not worry for me anymore.
You will see my rage in the storm as I batter the shore.
You will see my smile and my calm as the sun hits the surface with a blinding glare.
And you will feel my loving touch as you hold a smooth pebble in your palm.
I have cried my salty tears, but I shall live forever.
I shall become the ocean, I shall become at peace.