Friday, 18 June 2010


The guy that sent Me the huge bunch of flowers, He's called 'M'. And he likes me, alot. He was dumped by his Gf of 6 years around about the same time that I split from Bf, so my immediate thoughts are 'rebound'. And I can hear very distant alarm bells....very distant, almost inaudiable in fact.
He said He needed a friend who was going through a similar situation as Himself with the breakup so we got chatting and started to meet up for drinks/cinema/his sister's wedding etc. He's really nice, almost every girl at work would love to be held in His affections. He's funny and maybe a little shy, polite, kind and loves running. He's entered for the London marathon next year. He's only 5' 8'' tall and I tower over Him in heels :) He's neat and tidy, good at cooking and has a cute sense of humour. He likes My brutal honesty about the way I look, finds My hatred of prawns amusing, loves My lol-cat and can hold sensible conversations with My son. I think He's about 2 years older than Me, so mature but still with a desire to teach Me how to skateboard :S He wants to go everywhere and be busy most of the time, He does'nt like being sat around doing nothing. He seems the kind of guy that would want a steady Gf with possible marriage and kids in the future. And He is perfect husband material and would make a doting father. He said that I have become the closest thing He has to a best friend at the moment.
so why do I feel nothing for Him?? How many times in a girls' lifetime will a guy like this walk up to her and say 'I really like you' ?
My workmates think I'm retarded and that I should just jump into bed with Him, but I just don't feel that way about Him. He keeps saying that He really likes Me and I have said that I like Him as a friend and He said He's cool with that. So I'm not leading Him on, but I still feel guilty that I might end up hurting His feelings. I think to just keep being a supportive friend to Him is good for now, who knows what the future might hold?

Thursday, 3 June 2010

Just when I could'nt be feeling any more worthless inside...

...I learn today that the ex-Bf has a new Gf. Joy of joys. I don't really know how I should be feeling. If it's the girl I think it is then she's one of those out-doorsey types who has photos of her horse on facebook. She has blonde hair and does'nt sunburn in 20 minutes. She probably does'nt suffer fromn hayfever for 10 months of the year, is'nt allergic to Christmas trees, is polite to His family, does'nt smoke, likes getting up early, is 5 minutes early for everything and is kind and charming to everyone.
Am I happy for Him?? I guess so, He deserves happiness after last year. Am I happy for her? Yes, I guess so too. She has got herself a wonderfull guy who will treat her right.
But if I find out in a few months that they are engaged with a baby on the way, I will key his beloved sports car so it resembles a Kandinsky and plant ragwort where she keeps her horse. Am I bitter and jealous?? Me? Maybe just a little bit.

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

The honest truth.

I really am ugly. I have just spent 10 minutes staring at myself in the bathroom mirror and I see nothing I like. I know, every girl can do this. But I really am plain-jane from head to toe. My hair is flat and I can't do anything about it to make it better. I lack the skill that other girls seem to have naturally. My face is boring, apart from my tempermental complexion, there is nothing pretty or beautiful about it. My body is too thin, you can count my ribs through a t-shirt and yet my tummy is fat. My hip bones protrude and I carry too much weight on my thighs. I am 5ft 6inches. Average height for a female, average weight, average shoe size. Plain and boring. I don't know why anyone would look twice at me if they passed me in the street.
Funny thing is I have surrounded myself with friends who also would'nt be looked twice at. My 'fat' friends who have beautiful eyes, or gorgeous natural red hair or a sparkling sense of humour. A lanky friend of 6ft 6inches who always has a kind word. An abrubt, rude friend who has a beautiful smile, even more special because you seldom get to see it. I can find beauty in these people, I can pinpoint something good in total strangers. And yet I can't see it within myself.
Except for my eyelashes. They are long like the fake ones used on models in mascara adverts. I never have to curl them with medievil torture devices and I rarely wear make-up on them. I have my Mother to thank for that genetic hand-me-down :)