Monday, 23 November 2009

Hmmmmmmm.... :S

Ok, So I've got myself in a bit of an emotional mess. I have decided that I need to end My relationship with BF. Which will be hard on many levels but mainly because I do still love Him and don't want to cause any hurt. I have cheated on Him many times with My thoughts alone and there are the times with Ginger pubes to take into account aswell. If it was a happy, healthy relationship I would be greeting Him home from work with dinner on the table and a smile on My face. As it currently is, I feel like a harlot, and My guilty conscience is making it impossible for me to eat anything. I have impeccable timing for these things, My son's birthday is just next week and we have arranged a lovely family day out with friends. Also BF's birthday is just before Christmas, which brings me to the third obstacle, Christmas!! So I'm gonna give Him a broken heart for Christmas. Joy. Makes me feel wretched at the thought. We have kinda decided to spend Christmas at different places, so we won't even be together on that day. But I have made the decision, I just need to get the guts to do it.
Minty is My next source of emotional turmoil, and probably a major factor in My decision mentioned above. We have made plans to meet up in the first few weeks of december but I am horrified that I would be so devious and lie to BF and go behind His back etc. Despite My longing to meet up with Minty, the thought of Me lying to BF so blatently fills Me with horror. Whenever we talk about meeting I end up having mini panic attack, My heart races and I nearly hyperventilate. And yet I still want to meet Him. I also don't want to let Minty down, I have promised to help Him with something and it is a promise that I am more than willing to fulfill. To back out now would only be messing both of us around. But I feel I have to end things with BF first, this would probably end the guilt and panic attacks.
Another niggling problem at the moment is Ginger pubes. He told Me that He has feelings for Me, which was evident a long time ago. Everybody knew. He gets really jealous when I speak about Minty, which to be honest is alot :S Ginger pubes knows that He is'nt the centre of My affections anymore and yet He is still being the supportive friend that I need and attracted Me in the first place. His friends neeed to be put on a leash though, they have been speaking too freely with My name on facebook. This has sent Me into a venomous rage. Ginger pubes says He has warned them to be more carefull. I doubt this will have any effect though. My method would be to tie the main offender to a chair and douse them in petrol whilst I carelessly smoke one of My favourite menthols and describe how dissapointed I am in their idle chatter. More hassle that I could do without in My current situation. Especially if BF sees any of it. That all aside I don't want to hurt Ginger pubes' feeling in all this. He willl expect Me to be readily available to Him if I do split from BF, and I'm just not that into Him anymore. Cue uncomfortable knot in stomache. Someone else that i will no doubt end up hurting in My wake.
So you could say I'm in a bit of a quandry. Or it would seem that I know what I have to do I just need to get on with it and sort out the mess afterwards. I have no fire in Me anymore. I feel like I am going to hurt alot of people's feelings and still end up feeling wretched even if it does all get sorted. I can't eat properly, I'm loosing weight, My sleep pattern is out the window and My work will suffer if I'm not carefull. I feel panicky if I think about it all too much. I am about to turn My life up-side down and I don't know how to feel about it, or how to do it, or when. I find Myself crying alot and having to hide in the bathroom away from BF, which is where I keep My stanley knife, which also is'nt helping with the feeling of absolute despair that falls apon Me when I look at what I have done to Myself.
Like I said earlier, I have no fire in Me anymore. I feel down, broken, depressed and there is just a small glimmer of sparkly, twinkly, happy light shining far off in the distance. I have to focus on this. Or is it just the greener grass on the other side?? I really don't know anymore. Answers on a postcard please...

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Oh dear

Ever get the feeling you've just fucked things up?? Yeah? I've got that feeling :(

Messy weekend

Well My weekend did'nt quite go as planned and it inevitably ended in tears for many people, Myself included.
Ms. Mucky turned up at My place on saturday evening and it was gone 9pm by the time we ventured towards town. I had boosted My confidence with the help of some retail therapy earlier in the day which resulted in a new lbd and heels, perfect for all the xmas parties that are sure to be coming up. We forgot about the entrapment and humiliation of Capt. Creepy, mainly because the store security guard had arranged to meet Him in the pub under the impression that we girls were going to be there. The guard had no intention of turning up and we have no idea if Creepy did either. Still makes Me smile that He would turn up just for us girls, sheer deluded optimism.
We met with Ginger pubes and another friend from out of work called Lango. Bf had decided to come with Me which put Me on edge for most of the evening. Ginger pubes was argueing with Yarp for the first part of the evening and then as He got more drunk, became more annoying. I'm afraid that I am not an angel with infinite patience and He just slowly pissed Me off all night. Another colleague who could be the spitting image of Kate Moss also joined us. I'll call Her Elmlea :) She is a very pretty girl and so very thin without any apparant effort. As soon as She arrived I knew there would be a problem. Elmlea and Ms. Mucky spent the rest of the night being wherever I was'nt. I was left with Ginger pubes who was still irritating the crap out of Me whilst Bf was in deep conversation with Lango.
I made the decision to go and find the two girls who were in the garden of the pub. Ginger pubes followed Me like a puppy. Yeah, that's starting to get annoying aswell. We spoke to the girls for a while, they said 'hold our seats' and then left. Ginger pubes took the advantage of Bf being elsewhere and ran His hand up the inside of My thigh and elsewhere. I was'nt in the mood and He recieved a sharp punch in the arm for it. We went to find the girls again only to be abandoned once more. I was in a foul mood by this point and it was half 1 in the morning. I just wanted to go home but it was obvious that Ms. Mucky was'nt ready to leave. I felt snubbed and used, She was meant to be staying at My place and had dumped Me as soon as Elmlea had arrived. I gathered Bf, told Ms. Mucky that I was going home and I made My exit. I snapped at Ginger pubes when we were outside and Bf spent the whole walk home chastising Me for the way I handled the situation. He decided to tell Me how I could have handled it better and how to keep My calm. A bit like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted imo. I t did'nt sit well with Me. We argued but He could see how upset I was about the situation. I explained that I was taking my anger out on Him and He saw Me crying. He stopped telling Me what I should have done and instead was supportive and made suggestions as to where to go from this point. Probably the best heartfelt conversation we have had in months.
When I got home I spent several hours online talking to Minty which cheered Me up and put My mind at ease. I have noticed that when I mention Minty to Ginger pubes He gets a bit ratty about it. Jealousy is an evil little monster and will consume you from within. I will let Ginger pubes find this out on His own, plus I owe Him for doing exactly the same to Me just a few weeks back.
The next day all was sorted with Ms. Mucky. It turns out She had also abandoned Elmlea and had gone to Her ex's house and slept with Him. All seemed to be back on track and the relationship was sorted untill Wee Man decided to put a stop to it all for good. This week I have continued to be a good friend to Ms. Mucky and told Her I hold no grudge for being abandoned. Ginger pubes had proven how immature a 21 year old can be when mixed with alcohol. It's My main gripe with dating younger men. I apologised to Him also, there is no need to loose one of My very few friends just because I'm unpredictable and proud. I don't know why I was so angry, I'm gonna blame hormones although this is a weak excuse. The support and concern from Bf was a bit of a shock tbh, I think He may have even seen My point of view for once :S Roll on Christmas for emotional fireworks :)

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Good things come...

Just a quick update. Ms. Mucky was dumped by Wee Man on sunday :( Which means She is now single and wants Me to join Her for celebratory/condolance drinks on saturday night. I'm expecting this to be a messy one. On monday, Capt. Creepy texted Ms. Mucky saying His usual 'hi huni, hope ur ok?xx' and on tuesday He was facebooking Me and saying he wanted to fuck Me. We girls found this hilarious and are planning on winding Him up and catching Him out on saturday night. He has already asked if Ms. Mucky will be out, we just need to sort a plan out and make Him squirm a bit when He sees both of us there. Did'nt I say that i would get the perfect oppertunity to show Him up??
Ginger pubes had a plan this monday for Me to go round and shag the living daylights out of Him. His plan was foolproof apart from the fact that His dad was ill and took the day off work. Ho-hum. He'll have to wait aswell.
One thing that I wish would get gone quickly is My cuts, they are still red and angry on My left shoulder. The cuts on My right arm and shoulder are healing ok, but will be visible if i decide to wear the top that I want to on saturday. Sudocreme and cocoa butter are My tried and tested products for speeding the healing up, but whatever, I'll be out with friends so I'm not too concerned about them being visible. Will update when I have more developments :)

Sunday, 1 November 2009

Thin red lines.

Well I don't have much of any interest to tell you. I got dressed up in My planned outfit and Myself, Bf, Ginger pubes and a friend whom I shall call Mr. Moon went into town and parked ourselves in the nearest pub garden. Before we left the house I asked Bf if I looked ok, He replyed with 'yeah, you look fine.' Ginger pubes was at our house when He said this and later in the pub when I had dissappeared to powder My nose he sent Me a text saying that He thought I looked beautiful even though bf did'nt say it. I returned to the garden and whispered My thanks to Him.Small comments like that can really lift a girls' spirits. I spent most of the night trying to be involved with the conversation but soon resorted to being drunk and silly, which causes much amusement between My friends. I felt like I was being ignored by Bf in favour of His friends who had turned up. He managed to take silly photos of His friends and Himself but not a single one of Me despite My asking. We went home early, had sex, then almost immediatly after He went to bed leaving Me talking to Minty all night.
Bf was'nt best pleased and woke up to shout abuse at Me during the night. He used harsh words and I felt really down at this point. I went to bed where we continued to argue and spit venomous comments at eachother until we fell asleep.
This morning I woke before Him and went to the bathroom. There are thin cuts on My shoulders and back. I did them with a stanley knife. They are covered by My clothes and Bf won't see them. They won't scar but they are very red and angry and they burn as though they have been rubbed with salt. This happens everytime I am coming towards the end of a relationship. Its a very bad habit to indulge in.
I woke bf up with a cup of tea and asked if he wanted any washing doing ( neurotic cleaning again ) We have been pleasant towards eachother all day although it it obvious to Him that I am deeply unhappy.