Monday, 23 November 2009

Hmmmmmmm.... :S

Ok, So I've got myself in a bit of an emotional mess. I have decided that I need to end My relationship with BF. Which will be hard on many levels but mainly because I do still love Him and don't want to cause any hurt. I have cheated on Him many times with My thoughts alone and there are the times with Ginger pubes to take into account aswell. If it was a happy, healthy relationship I would be greeting Him home from work with dinner on the table and a smile on My face. As it currently is, I feel like a harlot, and My guilty conscience is making it impossible for me to eat anything. I have impeccable timing for these things, My son's birthday is just next week and we have arranged a lovely family day out with friends. Also BF's birthday is just before Christmas, which brings me to the third obstacle, Christmas!! So I'm gonna give Him a broken heart for Christmas. Joy. Makes me feel wretched at the thought. We have kinda decided to spend Christmas at different places, so we won't even be together on that day. But I have made the decision, I just need to get the guts to do it.
Minty is My next source of emotional turmoil, and probably a major factor in My decision mentioned above. We have made plans to meet up in the first few weeks of december but I am horrified that I would be so devious and lie to BF and go behind His back etc. Despite My longing to meet up with Minty, the thought of Me lying to BF so blatently fills Me with horror. Whenever we talk about meeting I end up having mini panic attack, My heart races and I nearly hyperventilate. And yet I still want to meet Him. I also don't want to let Minty down, I have promised to help Him with something and it is a promise that I am more than willing to fulfill. To back out now would only be messing both of us around. But I feel I have to end things with BF first, this would probably end the guilt and panic attacks.
Another niggling problem at the moment is Ginger pubes. He told Me that He has feelings for Me, which was evident a long time ago. Everybody knew. He gets really jealous when I speak about Minty, which to be honest is alot :S Ginger pubes knows that He is'nt the centre of My affections anymore and yet He is still being the supportive friend that I need and attracted Me in the first place. His friends neeed to be put on a leash though, they have been speaking too freely with My name on facebook. This has sent Me into a venomous rage. Ginger pubes says He has warned them to be more carefull. I doubt this will have any effect though. My method would be to tie the main offender to a chair and douse them in petrol whilst I carelessly smoke one of My favourite menthols and describe how dissapointed I am in their idle chatter. More hassle that I could do without in My current situation. Especially if BF sees any of it. That all aside I don't want to hurt Ginger pubes' feeling in all this. He willl expect Me to be readily available to Him if I do split from BF, and I'm just not that into Him anymore. Cue uncomfortable knot in stomache. Someone else that i will no doubt end up hurting in My wake.
So you could say I'm in a bit of a quandry. Or it would seem that I know what I have to do I just need to get on with it and sort out the mess afterwards. I have no fire in Me anymore. I feel like I am going to hurt alot of people's feelings and still end up feeling wretched even if it does all get sorted. I can't eat properly, I'm loosing weight, My sleep pattern is out the window and My work will suffer if I'm not carefull. I feel panicky if I think about it all too much. I am about to turn My life up-side down and I don't know how to feel about it, or how to do it, or when. I find Myself crying alot and having to hide in the bathroom away from BF, which is where I keep My stanley knife, which also is'nt helping with the feeling of absolute despair that falls apon Me when I look at what I have done to Myself.
Like I said earlier, I have no fire in Me anymore. I feel down, broken, depressed and there is just a small glimmer of sparkly, twinkly, happy light shining far off in the distance. I have to focus on this. Or is it just the greener grass on the other side?? I really don't know anymore. Answers on a postcard please...

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